There is a palpable guilt and self-loathing that accompanies having aspirations for things that are not immediately within my control. Today, for example, I was very busy and productive. But I did absolutely nothing to further my artistic career.

Shit.

My ex-girlfriend was great.

She was fun, funny, smart, sexy, and had great taste in music. It was her friends who sucked.

They suuuuucked.

They were rude, crass, corny, selfish, shallow, and worst of all, oblivious.

I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t be around her friends. I couldn’t share that with her. I finally had to tell her the truth.

“I think you’re great. But your friends suck.”

————

Lately, I’ve felt the same way about God.

I love songwriting. More than I love singing. At least as much as I love performing. Far more than I love playing any instrument. I love writing songs. It’s not easy. It’s not always rewarding. It almost never leaves any sense of accomplishment. But I love it. I love the idea that I can use the same words that everyone else knows, and I can put them together in a way that paints a picture, evokes an emotion, inspires action, or reminds you of something I never could possibly have known about. I love songwriting.

When I started playing guitar, it was so that I could learn to write songs. My first guitar teacher taught me the “Nashville number system“, and all I could think about was one day writing music in these strange new terms. I was mesmerized by the idea of taking a melody out of the clear blue (or, from a passing car, the rhythm of the wind knocking tree limbs against the window, the lines someone said in a movie, or something screamed in the heat of the moment), and I could take that melody, those lyrics, and that rhythm, and I could pile together a song.

From the beginning (around 12), I tried to write songs that were clever. Songs that would evoke some sort of response. Either narratives, complete with ironic endings, or abstract, piling words together to build a mental picture. In the process of this, I’ve become enamored with the styles and abilities of some of my favorite songwriters. Tom Waits, Thom Yorke, David Gray, Ray LaMontagne, and Patty Griffin, to name a few of the moderns (this list takes into consideration that Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, and the Beatles - John, Paul, & George are so established that I don’t need to mention them… though I just did). Their lyrics are always astounding to me. I can always count on whatever new thing that they put out to inspire, convict, and punish me in ways no one else’s will.

All of these songwriters use sort of catch-words or phrases. Repetitive imagery or lyrical rhythms that are so creative, so provocative, that I just can’t get enough. I’m constantly trying to find these patterns and link them together. For example, Ray LaMontagne takes liberty with folky-slang words like “Lonesome” to pull the imagery to a browner, more rural place. Tom Waits references stray dogs that “seem(s) to like me” to paint himself (the narrator) in a specific frame of mind. Thom Yorke uses pop-cultural marketing-speak to build a sarcastic overtone to his expression, while David Gray is reminiscent of literary icons from decades before his time. Patty Griffin has a way of breaking your heart with melancholy and making you grateful for the experience.

In the course of studying great songwriters and compiling my own previously unspoken list of pet-peaves and favorite phrases, I’ve come across a few recurring themes that I simply adore, but have never quite been able to work them into a song. So, for those who’re still reading, here’s my list of words I’d love to use some day, but have never been able to work into a song.

• “Lonesome” - Ray LaMontage’s favorite way to describe the feeling, and tying for first on a short list of words that have absolutely never entered my vocabulary, and therefore never fallen into my lyrical expression.
• “Apropos” - Something about this word makes me think of corny chick singers, but I use the word itself a lot, and I really like it. It also rhymes so easily with so many great words and phrases! (”friend or foe”, “pinky toe”, “status quo”, “table-top Joe”). One day it’ll make it into something I write, but for now, I’ll just keep hoping.
• “Nectar” - As in, “the nectar of the gods”. I have tried so (soooo) many times to make this work in a song, and I’ve simply come up blank. It always comes up as a little too sticky and “earthy” a word for the imagery I’m going for in a song, that I end up cutting that line. When I finish a song, there are inevitably 2 or 3 verses that will get cut, as I’ll have written anywhere from 5 verses to a small novel to get all of my ideas down. In probably 1 out of 3 of these songs, the word “Nectar” is in the pile of left-over verses.
• “Jesus” - I don’t typically write songs that reference Jesus in any way. However, I would love to have a song that does so tastefully, carefully, and hopefully in an endearing and positive light - maybe speaking from the first person of some character in a narrative. It’s a beautiful name, and a powerful source of imagery. Unfortunately, the word itself has been so overused that some of the energy has been drained from it in a literary sense, so I hope when the time comes, I’ll be able to make it unique, fresh, and alive.
• “Shan’t” - I don’t know why, but there’s something about this word that feels far too aloof for me to ever actually use. Either in a sentence or a song. But if I ever find the excuse, you can bet your ass it’ll be there.
• “Apoplectic / Incredulous” - These two words always seem to remind me of each other. I love using them, and I love their relationship to each other. So, I’m determined that if either one ever makes it’s way into a verse, the other one will be close behind. Like Jacob grabbing the heal of his twin brother Esau during delivery, one of these will absolutely refuse to leave the other’s side. Believe it.
• “Cocaine” - There’s something so simple about writing with this word. So vivid. So raunchy and worldly. I’d love to have the reason for it somewhere, but I know I’ll probably end up with “8 ball” or “blow” as a synonym if I ever use it, and alas, the opportunity will be gone.
• “Sex” - Most songwriters alive, published or otherwise, have used this word or some variation in a song. Actually, a huge number of them have used it in most of their songs. However, I’m at a loss. In my experience, every reference needs something far more descriptive, intimate, or subversive than using “sex” itself. Also, it’d have to be a ‘filler’ word, as, ironically, the words that rhyme with “sex” all just kinda suck.

Though I’m always writing, lately I’ve been on a kick of re-visiting songs I’ve written over the past 10 years. There are some jewels there, I think. And in my youthful past I’ve been a little hasty with moving away from some of them. Hopefully I’ll be able to bring some of them back to life on future records. We’ll see. For now, I’ll keep going to my heroes like catholics to the saints, and asking them to guide me. Reaching out to hear their words. Not just what they’re saying, but how they’re saying it. And maybe, one day, have a style and catalog of my own from which to draw.